The last two months have been difficult for me. Most of my days have been plagued with trying to figure out if I have heard God properly on things I firmly believed I heard from Him. I have been struggling to figure out which step I should take next and then worry that people will judge me if I make the wrong move. I have been struggling with rejection and other people's opinions of how I don't live up to their expectations (even knowing they are judging with the flesh and not the eyes of God). I have been worried about my future and what it looks like when my daughter moves out and I am an empty nester.
All of these worries, all of these concerns are inwardly focused. I am a selfish sinner. There, I said it. Comfort is an idol in my life. I hold on to things even when I feel Jesus asking me to let go. I fear man's opinions. I worry about everything that scripture tells me not to.
That in a nutshell has been my last month. I'm not entirely sure where the spin out started or if it slowly built up without me even noticing. But God is making it clear to me that I am on thin ice. So the last few days I have been spending more time in the word, more time in prayer, more time out for walks with Jesus in nature. I need to refocus my life. I know in my last blog entry I spoke about taking a break. And I did take a break from all of my "works" but I think I needed to take a break from my mind more than anything. I need to take a break from trying SO hard to figure out God's "will for my life"......as if I'm not living it out already in my everyday life! I need to get back into an intimate relationship with Jesus and stop all the doubt, worry, and stress. Boy that all sounds so much easier than it actually is.
I think I need to reflect more on what God has already done in my life. To consider all the ways he has provided for me in the past. He has NEVER failed me, so why am I so worried he will now? Because somewhere along the way I've begun to believe it is up to me to figure all of this stuff out. This morning as I was reading the Beatitudes and really studying what they mean, I felt so comforted. Beyond all of the worries I DO know that only God can accomplish anything good with my life. I can do nothing apart from Him. I really do know that! I have never made a right choice in my life apart from Him. I really do feel poor in spirit and I mourn over my sin. I want to be better. I want good fruit to be produced in my life. I want to be selfless and to be able to truly rejoice in trials. I want to be everything God wants me to be. But it all starts with my relationship with Him. When I am so busy "working" for approval or trying to figure this life out, my life gets off track. I still lift my eyes to heaven but I'm not seeing things from a heavenly perspective, instead I am begging for peace from a storm of my own making. That's when I feel burdened, weighed down. All the "do's and don'ts" (of man's making) in this Christian walk can be overwhelming if I'm honest. Everyone has an opinion on everything. Those voices can be so loud at times. It can be difficult to block them out. It is only when I get really still that I can finally hear God's soft gentle voice asking me to cast all my cares onto him. To come to him because his yolk is light. What a blessing to hear his voice amongst all the noise in this world! I pray I can stay here, in this quiet place to regain my strength for a while. I pray I don't get distracted again by the busyness of life. I pray I can lay all of these burdens at His feet and truly leave them there. I pray that I am more concerned about my relationship with Him more than anything else.
Do you ever feel this way or get wrapped up in the worries of life too? Is this a common experience for all of us? Tell me about your struggles. I want to hear from you. Let us encourage each other and lift each other up in prayer. Let us persevere together!
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