The Christmas season passed by in the blink of an eye. It was a very hectic season for us. It started on December 17th when I had to go to Saskatoon for a biopsy on my breast. I am so grateful to God for the perfect peace he gave to me during that whole process. With a high family history, it would've been natural to stress and worry. While I was very scared about the procedure itself, I was never worried about the results and for that I am grateful. Even though I was told the results could take up to three weeks with the Christmas break, I got the results on December 20th, everything was normal! So the peace I felt was for a reason, I had nothing to fear.
Shortly after my parents left on December 26th, I started to go into a state of confusion. I began having all kinds of doubt about my life, my path, if I had heard from God correctly etc. I was feeling so drained and frustrated. This lasted up until this week when breakthrough finally came.
I often find myself in this place, I should see it coming by now. I believe Jesus is trying to teach me how to see it coming.
I am a great "starter". What I mean by that is that I begin working for the Lord for all the right reasons. But somewhere along the way I get tired, frustrated and I find myself in a place where it has become all about me. I get so busy doing things that I neglect the Word, I am "too busy" to say anything but short prayers. It is right around this time that I wear out and find myself in a deserted place. As I began studying Isaiah last week, the Lord showed me something significant in Isaiah 6. In Isaiah's vision, the seraphim had six wings, two to cover their faces, two to cover their feet and two to fly. David Guzik explained it this way: "The seraphim used four of their wings to express their humility, and used two of their wings to express their willingness and ability to serve God. This is the proper balance". Spurgeon said it best in this way "Thus they have four wings for adoration and two for active energy; four to conceal themselves, and two with which to occupy themselves in service; and we may learn from them that we shall serve God best when we are most deeply reverend and humbled in his presence. Veneration must be in larger proportion than vigor, adoration must exceed activity. As Mary at Jesus' feet was preferred to Martha and her much serving, so must sacred reverence take the first place, and energetic service follow in due course." This really struck home for me. My life can get out of balance. I get so busy in the service that I neglect the humility and complete adoration for Jesus in the process. I stop serving out of the overflow from my love for God. My heart sang when I read these verses. It helped me figure out why I was circling the drain (as I like to call it).
It is so important for me to be in the Word, to sit at Jesus' feet. That is where I am renewed, where I am fed, where my soul is filled until it is overflowing. That is when I can begin serving again, with the right heart.
God has continued to teach me more today about himself in Isaish 9, particularily about him being our Wonderful Councelor. When times of trouble come and I pour out my heart to him, he councels me. It is in these moments that he says the sweetest words to me. It is then that he fills my spirit and soul with fountains of water. These are the moments I long for, the moments I treasure so deeply. Oh that I may remember this when I start feeling tired and frustrated! Perhaps then I wouldn't feel that way at all. "There was such a sweetness coming with his counsel, such a radiance of love, such a fullness of fellowship, that you said, 'Oh that I were in trouble every day, if I might have such sweet counsel as this!' Christ is the Counsellor whom I desire to consult every hour, and I would that I could sit in his secret chamber all day and all night long, because to counsel with him is to have sweet counsel, hearty counsel, and wise counsel, all at the same time." (Spurgeon). What a gift we have in our Wonderful Counselor! He is also my High Council, who guides my life. It may seem as though I am going backwards or at a standstill but he already knew I would be here and he had a plan since the beginning of time just for this moment in my life. What a blessing to be able to rest in the assurances of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Now I feel like I can freely take a much needed rest and sit at Jesus' feet, without worrying that he is disappointed in me or that I am failing in my walk or that I am off track! I am exactly where I need to be, where he planned for me to be so that he could use even this for his glory.
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