Seeing as this is my first blog post, I should introduce myself properly, my name is Jolene and as you you probably gleamed from this blog's name, I am a single mom, a foster mother, and I love Jesus more than anything else in my life. He is the reason for the life I now have.
My life didn’t always look like this though. In fact it looked much different. For many years I was lost, trying my hardest to find “love and acceptance” as the world knows it, in relationships with men. In truth I didn't know how to be alone. I got married in my 20's and was married for 9 years, but was with my partner for 14 years altogether. We had two beautiful children together, and two miscarriages. But our marriage fell apart. I felt unloved (this was not his fault, it was just my perception of things as I later learned). After years of feeling that way, feeling a deep ache in my soul for something more I decided it was time to move on. As with every divorce, there were many issues that contributed to the break down of the marriage but I don't feel those details are an important part of my story. All I can say is it was one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave. I had NEVER stood on my own two feet. I was always in a serious relationship from the time I was in high school. I hadn’t really worked full time for any profound amount of time, so I had never learned to provide for myself. I had never lived on my own either. So to venture out into the world with two children in tow was beyond terrifying. I can assure you that if I felt I had any other choice at that time I would have never left. I was desperate. I was 34 at the time and I felt life was slipping away from me. I felt I HAD to make a better life for my kids and for myself. It makes me laugh now to think that I truly thought I was going to be able to do this on my own power. (I have known about God my whole life, and even believed in Jesus, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with him at that time in my life, other that prayer when I felt completely lost and overwhelmed.)
To say things didn’t go as planned is an understatement. The pressure of working full time and trying to parent children who had a myriad of issues themselves, and having lost all the “good things” my husband and I accumulated together and having to move into a low income dive of a house was just too much for me. Within six months of leaving my marriage I got diagnosed with severe Fibromyalgia. I ended up quitting my very active job as a store manager and took a part time reception job thinking that something less physical would help ease the pain I was in daily. I had to eventually leave that job as well. For four years I suffered immensely, spending much of my time in bed. My children lost their Mom that was always so active in their lives. My son became suicidal, dropped out of school for a time. My daughter became “Emo”, wearing dark clothing, listening to dark music and began cutting herself. She lost all the light that had been within her. Our lives were a mess. When I took two medical tests that suggested I had an abdominal tumor I thought life was over. I can’t even describe the emotional pain I was in, it was an all consuming fire, burning away any hope I had.
In the middle of the night I sat on the edge of my bed and sobbed for hours, I couldn’t stop. I had so many "what if’s" and "how comes" going through my mind. In a moment of complete desperation I cried out to God, I told him that I had tried everything I could think of to fix the mess I had made, that I didn’t know what my purpose was and for him to reveal that to me if he was real. Then I asked him to take my life in his hands and do what only he could do. I had a wave of what I can only describe as goose bumps roll from my head to my toes, over and over for what seemed like a long time. All of my thoughts stilled. My tears dried up. I felt true peace for the first time ever. I sat in awe for a long time, unsure what had happened. But eventually I went to sleep and woke up with a renewed sense of purpose (as undefined as it was then). I just knew deep in my spirit that my life had just changed direction.
Within a short period of time a bunch of things began to change. I began to feel better physically, day by day the Fibromyalgia began to leave my body. The scans for the tumor showed no tumor at all. I was completely healed! I believe that I was indeed Healed For A Purpose. In my posts to come I will tell you more about my journey to becoming a foster parent, the challenges it has, the growth it has brought, and how my family has been forever changed with one touch from Jesus Christ my King.
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