In my first post I spoke about searching for love and acceptance for many years of my life. I grew up watching, and loving, Hollywood's romantic movies and bought into this idea that one person out there could somehow fulfill me or complete me, when I didn't feel whole or complete myself. Doesn't that seem like a lot of pressure to put on another person?! We are all imperfect beings, so there is no possible way that anyone can fill you up in that way. I understand this now but for many years I didn't. I had bought into the lie, hook, line and sinker.
I knew there was a hole in my life, a hole in my heart that always demanded filling. For years I filled it with stuff, collecting collector ornaments, or buying every CD that came out or having to buy every TV series DVD that came out. The list was endless. The amount of money I wasted was ridiculous. However, the main way I tried to fill that hole was in relationships. I was convinced my savior was out there somewhere, someone who could rescue me from the life I was living, one who would step in and change how I felt about myself. When that didn't seem to work as well as I had hoped, I thought having children would surely do it! My children would love me. They would adore me. They would fill that empty space. I had no idea what motherhood actually looked like. I had no idea how tired I would be. I didn't anticipate losing myself further, questioning who I was outside of being someone's mom.
I didn't understand that the savior I was looking for wasn't a man, a child or any material item, it was Jesus. He is the only one who can fill that hole in my heart. He was the only one who could step in and make me feel whole, complete, loved. He was the only one who could change my life so completely that I barely recognize it anymore (in a good way). I feel so grateful everyday for his grace and mercy.
There is nothing like being in a relationship with God. Nothing. No man on this earth could ever do for me what Jesus did and continues to do. I had a moment with him this morning that had me in tears, tears of utter joy. If you are in a deep intimate relationship with Jesus you know exactly what I am talking about. His word is alive and active. He uses it to speak to me, to encourage me, to fill that empty space. In the mornings I have a routine, I pray before reading my bible, then I read scripture, spend more time in prayer and then end with being still before him so he can speak to me. I encourage you to give this a try, it will change your life!
This morning I had been praying for his word to be written on my heart, among other things before reading my bible. After I had read the book of Acts, I had been praying that God would help me to proclaim his name boldly, like the apostles did. As I sat in silence before him I heard a voice say "Romans 10:8". I haven't read Romans for a while so I had no idea what verse this was. When I opened my bible up to Romans 10:8 and read "The word is near you, it is in your mouth and in your heart", tears poured down my face. I sat in awe for a long time, laughing and crying, and feeling so incredibly full. As it turns out this, this isn't a verse that I had ever memorized or that ever stuck out for me really. So when I say that the word is alive and active, this is exactly what I mean. I had been praying for two things, for the word to be written on my heart and for his word to be in my mouth (so I can proclaim it boldly) and this verse was direct confirmation that it is there. I can't describe that feeling of knowing you are seen, you are being heard, you are loved so much that every prayer is not only heard but answered by the God of the universe! Those moments with him are everything to me, they are life, they are water for my thirsty soul. There is no comparison to knowing God.
I see so many women who are trying to fill that hole in their life too and it makes my heart ache for them. I have been there, I understand the gnawing ache that just won't go away. I understand the desire to try anything to fill it. That is why I am pointing you to one who can take that away, Jesus. There is hope for tomorrow. He can turn it all around and fill you in a way that this world never can.
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