As far back as I can remember I have been afraid of losing those I love. My parents couldn't speak to me about their eventual passing, even in jest. I would fill up with tears and ask them to stop talking. I'm not entirely sure where that fear came from, I just know it was deeply planted in my soul. When I had children I would hear stories of parents who lost their children and I would always say that if anything happened to my children I would never survive it. I truly believed that. My soul would be in agony for others who lost their loved ones too. I hated to hear stories of loss. If I heard them on TV, it would stick with me for days. I remember one story I heard when I was 14 or 15, it still sticks with me. It can bring me to tears if I even think about it now all these years later.
Heartbreak had the same type of hold on me. I dreaded it. I didn't want to feel it or cause anyone else to feel that either. This caused me stay in relationships for far too long. It also caused me to grieve deeply when a relationship ended. When I left my last relationship, I laid on my bathroom floor for hours crying and literally couldn't move. I was paralyzed by fear and that feeling of heartbreak. It used to take me a very long time to get over people I lost. Once I loved someone, I always loved them no matter how badly they treated me. I used to tell myself I was just super sensitive and felt things deeply. Although that is not untrue, I believe it goes a bit deeper than that. I believe it was a spiritual problem for me. I was holding onto people, love, life, with a firm grasp or a closed fist so to speak. I didn't have my priorities in order. God asks us to love HIM with all of our hearts, minds and souls. Everyone else is to come in second place. God asks us to hold onto the things in this world with an open hand. I had things out of order. I am not saying I have completely learned this lesson yet but God and I are working on it.
Part of my hesitation to begin fostering was the thought of saying goodbye to the children when it was time for them to move on. I knew that would be the hardest part for me, and it is. My first placement was a 5 year old and I absolutely fell in love! When this little person left my home I was so heartbroken. The day he left I cried the whole way home, sobbed is more accurate. My daughter kept asking me if I wanted her to drive the rest of the way home. I still mourn over that loss occasionally. But it is getting easier with time and it is getting easier with each child who leaves. I am sure it will not completely go away, how can it if I love these kids? Plus, I know God wants me to love them, just correctly.
God IS teaching me how to love the correct way through all of this. I have been single for almost 4 years now and I think that has been the best thing for me. It has given me time to heal, time to relearn a few important things. If a relationship had come along before this point, I truly believe I would have choked the life out of it before it ever had a chance to grow. I used to do that. That's what happens when we hold on so tightly to people. They can't breath. All they have is the burden of "loving" you and trying to figure out how to please you. Some people put in the effort, others rebel against it. It's a losing battle. But when God is first in our lives, when he is our first love, everything else falls into place. I know some people choose to believe God is egocentric and wants all the love and attention for himself but this simply isn't true. God is a God of order. He has a reason for everything. He knows that when he is the center of any relationship, it brings peace and it has a greater chance of success.
I don't know where I stand as far as being in another relationship is concerned. There are times I long for that. But I also want to be right with God, so that is an ongoing conversation with him. I do believe if a relationship ever came around, I would now be able to treat it with the respect it deserves and I know it would be in it's right place on my list of priorities. That is progress! For now I am content being in this role as a child of God, mom and foster parent. It is teaching me many valuable lessons along the way!
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